User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be reviewed

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War

• 847
  • "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"
  • "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part of a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 300
  • Because it was my reluctance what ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.
  • Because it was my reluctance that ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.

episode3/storytxt.cfg

• 104
  • When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely were we are going now.
  • When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely where we are going now.

Rejected edits

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 155
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
    • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon failed to persuade shadowm.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 442
  • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
  • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
    • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
    • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. shadowm?
      • shadowm says that is the intended meaning.

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
    • 8680: FI