User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be reviewed

episode3/scenarios/08A_Interim.cfg

• 374
  • It is an old enchanted gate, of course. You are not completely sure why you bothered to put these spells on most of the gates in this level, actually, but you are prone to wasting your time on frivolous activities like that on occasion, while nobody is around. Then again, the faint glow on it is unusually mesmerizing.
  • It is an old enchanted gate, of course. You are not completely sure why you bothered putting these spells on most of the barriers on this level, actually, but you are prone to wasting your time on frivolous activities like that on occasion, while nobody is around. Then again, the faint glow on it is unusually mesmerizing.
    • 8680: The first change means the same thing (“to put” is fine).
    • 8680: The second is a semantic change — there may be barriers that aren’t gates.
      • vultraz: I suggested this change to avoid a redundant use of "gates"

• 379
  • As much as you wish you had the ability, you cannot stop time, and the events foretold to happen on this night need some help to happen. Your mission here is to provide that necessary assistance to fate, so you really ought to stop staring at the enchanted gate now and get back to work.
  • As much as you wish you had the ability, you cannot stop time, and the events foretold to happen this night need some preparation. Your mission here is to provide fate with the necessary assistance, so you really ought to stop staring at the enchanted gate and get back to work now.
    • 8680: The first change... I don't like. “happen this night” sounds awkward to me. “happen on this night” is fine. “happen tonight” would also work, but feels slightly too informal compared to rest of the message (except the last “now get back to work” bit)
    • 8680: The second change changes semantics: In the original, “you” are preparing for events. In the edit, “you” are preparing events. “You” are writing whole [event]s rather than merely making their [filter_condition]s return true. “preparing events” could also be interpreted as getting ready to host a party.
      • 8680: However, there is grating repetition of “happen”. Perhaps “the events foretold to happen on this night need some help to happen” -> “the events foretold to happen on this night need some help to do so”? No, I’ll try to think of something better later.
        • 8680: I failed to think of something better later.
    • 8680: The third change depends on how we word the second.
    • 8680: I preferred the original for the fourth.

• 3097
  • To put it into perspective, of all the guardians that have lived so far, only the second incarnation of the Guardian of Fire found true love — and then she died under mysterious circumstances nearly a couple of decades ago.
  • To put it into perspective, of all the guardians that have lived so far, only the second incarnation of the Guardian of Fire found true love — and then she died under mysterious circumstances almost twenty years ago.
    • vultraz, 8680, AI, and maybe Espreon all support this.
    • 8680: Neither "decades" nor "years" work, because:
      • shadowm: The only thing I know for sure is that when I said "almost a couple of decades ago" I meant it using Norsula's calendar system and then I forgot I was writing for a character who is not on Norsula.
    • 8680: Current best possibility is:
      • To put it into perspective, of all the guardians that have lived so far, only the second incarnation of the Guardian of Fire found true love — and then she died under mysterious circumstances quite a while ago.
    • 8680: But I hope we can think of something better.
    • vultraz: I agree
      • 8680: You agree with the current best possibility, or you agree that you hope we can think of something better?
      • vultraz: I agree with the current best possibility

Rejected edits

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 155
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
    • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon failed to persuade shadowm.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 442
  • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
  • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
    • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
    • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. shadowm?
      • shadowm says that is the intended meaning.

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
    • 8680: FI