User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be committed

episode3/menu.cfg

• 15
  • At the end of the day, darkness might claim our homes and lives and trap the world underneath its impenetrable veil. But the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
  • Though at the end of the day darkness may claim our homes and lives and trap the world beneath its impenetrable veil, the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines forth as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.

episode3/scenarios/03_Amidst_the_Ruins_of_Glamdrol.cfg

• 566
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men at the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured; and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men in the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured, and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.
    • 8680: Note semicolon -> comma.

episode3/scenarios/04_02_Gateway.cfg

• 279
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will sure head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will surely head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.

episode3/scenarios/05_Pass_of_Sorrows.cfg

• 718
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger around in this form, dwelling beneath the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger in this form, dwelling in the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.

episode3/scenarios/06_Divergence.cfg

• 303
  • I got the impression that she simply has been through a lot of things in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
  • I got the impression that she has simply been through much in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather, Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
    • vultraz: first part is a FI. Don't miss the comma added before 'Urvatha'

episode3/scenarios/07A_Dark_Fire_part_1.cfg

• 868
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters making them wait more than it’s absolutely necessary?
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters by making them wait more than is absolutely necessary?

• 873
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain or convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain and convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.

• 1677
  • On the Day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
  • On the day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
    • vultraz: 'day' is not capitalized in the succeeding 3 lines, so I assume it should not here as well. Also, the use of 'New Guardian[s]' twice seems redundant. Maybe something like '[] her rightful place amongst the Lords of the Second Cycle'? shadowm will have to decide, though,

episode3/scenarios/08A_Interim.cfg

• 2198
  • But you promised that Irdya would be under my control soon... Zhangor would assist you in Ethea!
  • But you promised that Irdya would be under my control soon... Zhangor would assist you on Ethea!

• 2678
  • Do I really need a reason? Uria is busy unearthing some ruins in Urvatha — she will not notice my absence. I just wanted to see you.
  • Do I really need a reason? Uria is busy unearthing some ruins on Urvatha — she will not notice my absence. I just wanted to see you.

• 2796
  • I do not have all the time of the world for your empty questions. Will you answer, or—
  • I do not have all the time in the world for your empty questions. Will you answer, or—

• 2947
  • I already told you... I did not choose to be stranded in Urvatha for so long. Uria does not want me to find Elynia yet. I am worried that her plans could jeopardize your own safety. You must do something for me...
  • I already told you... I did not choose to be stranded on Urvatha for so long. Uria does not want me to find Elynia yet. I am worried that her plans could jeopardize your own safety. You must do something for me...

• 3215
  • This is an old poetry book you found amongst some ruins unearthed from the Silver Lands. You used to dedicate your life to collecting every single piece of history you could salvage from the many remains of Golden Age civilizations, but after becoming a hybrid being your interests changed drastically. Things like poetry that do not contribute to your plans in any way whatsoever became pointless, and yet... this book is still here.
  • This is an old poetry book you found amongst some ruins unearthed in the Silver Lands. You used to dedicate your life to collecting every single piece of history you could salvage from the many remains of Golden Age civilizations, but after becoming a hybrid being your interests changed drastically. Things like poetry that do not contribute to your plans in any way whatsoever became pointless, and yet... this book is still here.

• 3284
  • Once you go into that room, there will be no going back.
  • Once you enter that room, there will be no going back.

episode3/scenarios/08B_Destiny_part_1.cfg

• 408
  • Uria is feared for the habit of decorating her various temples and fortresses in Inferno with those who have foolishly dared to stand up against her. Long ago, she realized that torturing and killing rebels was not enough to make an example, so she began to use her Life powers in more... creative ways. She revels in inflicting unending pain to others, and so does her Fist.
  • Uria is feared for the habit of decorating her various temples and fortresses on Inferno with those who have foolishly dared to stand up against her. Long ago, she realized that torturing and killing rebels was not enough to make an example, so she began to use her Life powers in more... creative ways. She revels in inflicting unending pain to others, and so does her Fist.

• 414
  • The Voice used his words to control the forces of Chaos, and the Fire used subtlety. While torture and bloodshed have been a common instrument for all three emissaries, Zhangor has opted for the unrestrained brutality that had previously marked his reign over the declining shapeshifters in Urvatha... and the children of Xia’el in Irdya.
  • The Voice used his words to control the forces of Chaos, and the Fire used subtlety. While torture and bloodshed have been a common instrument for all three emissaries, Zhangor has opted for the unrestrained brutality that had previously marked his reign over the declining shapeshifters on Urvatha... and the children of Xia’el on Irdya.

episode3/scenarios/08C_Breakdown.cfg

• 899
  • ... but I will not tolerate such weakness from the predestined Guardian of Earth, and I will not hesitate to rip your heart off your chest if you fail to show some respect for yourself.
  • ... but I will not tolerate such weakness from the predestined Guardian of Earth, and I will not hesitate to rip your heart out of your chest if you fail to show some respect for yourself.

• 913
  • Ah yes, I almost forgot — you are still an stupid and ignorant elf. I still don’t understand how you lived for longer than any of us and yet your awakening has only just taken place. Then again, you were blessed by Iluvia...
  • Ah yes, I almost forgot — you are still a stupid and ignorant elf. I still don’t understand how you lived for longer than any of us and yet your awakening has only just taken place. Then again, you were blessed by Iluvia...

• 1437
  • I do not know how she came into existence, seeing as how the seed in Yrathid was said to have been absorbed by Merthiaal. Then again, it is just as troubling that the Uria we all know exists, as well as your counterpart in Silida. Who really knows what was going through the heads of the three goddesses who ended and restarted it all.
  • I do not know how she came into existence, seeing as how the seed in Yrathid was said to have been absorbed by Merthiaal. Then again, it is just as troubling that the Uria we all know exists, as well as your counterpart on Silida. Who really knows what was going through the heads of the three goddesses who ended and restarted it all.

• 1529
  • I would hardly call her such. Her pact with Uria requires her to sit idle on her stupid faerie land being generally useless. Granted, she did secretly guide Argan so we would find you, and so I would ‘kill’ you.
  • I would hardly call her such. Her pact with Uria requires her to sit idle in her stupid faerie land being generally useless. Granted, she did secretly guide Argan so we would find you, and so I would ‘kill’ you.

• 1564
  • It is not as irrelevant as you think. Anyway, Uria has various options to choose from in Ethea, and I suspect she will opt for all of them: the body of the Union, for starters; then there is the Seed of Life, and whoever the goddesses designated as the rightful heiress of the Aspect of Life, if anyone at all. But Uria will not be alone in her quest, for the new Guardian of Water in Norsula also plans business with Ethea. In fact, he is already there.
  • It is not as irrelevant as you think. Anyway, Uria has various options to choose from in Ethea, and I suspect she will opt for all of them: the body of the Union, for starters; then there is the Seed of Life, and whoever the goddesses designated as the rightful heiress of the Aspect of Life, if anyone at all. But Uria will not be alone in her quest, for the new Guardian of Water on Norsula also plans business with Ethea. In fact, he is already there.

• 2018
  • The underground portion of this citadel is larger than you may have suspected, and it can take a whole day to cover it entirely. Teleporting around here is an impossibility since your last intrusion, so we’ll need to create some short cuts ourselves.
  • The underground portion of this citadel is larger than you may have suspected, and it can take a whole day to cover it entirely. Teleporting around here is an impossibility since your last intrusion, so we’ll need to create some shortcuts ourselves.

• 2226
  • Only if she wants to put it in that light. I am sure Ergea explained to you how the succession system works in Urvatha, did you forget?
  • Only if she wants to put it in that light. I am sure Ergea explained to you how the succession system works on Urvatha; did you forget?

episode3/scenarios/08D_Destiny_part_2.cfg

• 733
  • Is that how it really works? I prefer to keep my current name then.
  • Is that how it really works? I prefer to keep my current name, then.

• 1273
  • Do not say that! Let’s repel those awful creatures then!
  • Do not say that! Let’s repel those awful creatures, then!

episode3/scenarios/09_Dark_Depths.cfg

• 1944
  • The demoness was lying on the humid cavern, inert as a rock. She did not seem injured, but neither did she draw breath. I did not know at first what to make of the situation.
  • The demoness was lying on the humid cavern floor, inert as a rock. She did not seem injured, but neither did she draw breath. I did not know at first what to make of the situation.

episode3/scenarios/10_Blood.cfg

• 1031
  • If Merthiaal’s cautionary story is any indication, yes. But Uria believes otherwise. She believes that the seeds can be used for other things if the aspect you control is either Life or Existence, based on the efforts of her predecessor — or the very unreliable information we know about them, anyway. But her attempts to find the seed in Urvatha have proven fruitless so far, and her patience is wearing thin. As ludicrous as it sounds, she no longer wants to find <i>just</i> the Body of the Union in Ethea.
  • If Merthiaal’s cautionary story is any indication, yes. But Uria believes otherwise. She believes that the seeds can be used for other things if the aspect you control is either Life or Existence, based on the efforts of her predecessor — or the very unreliable information we know about them, anyway. But her attempts to find the seed on Urvatha have proven fruitless so far, and her patience is wearing thin. As ludicrous as it sounds, she no longer wants to find <i>just</i> the Body of the Union on Ethea.

episode3/scenarios/11_After_the_Storm.cfg

• 441
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped out from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life in Ethea.
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life on Ethea.

• 662
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart before. We should have done this together like you wanted.
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart. We should have done this together like you wanted.

episode3/scenarios/12_Destiny_part_3.cfg

• 741
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part on Ergea’s plans anymore.
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part in Ergea’s plans anymore.

Edits to be reviewed

episode3/scenarios/08C_Breakdown.cfg

• 845
  • You woke up much later than I expected. You should save your energy for the meantime, dear.
  • You woke up much later than I expected. You should save your energy for later, dear.
    • shadowm confirmed the intended meaning is saving her power for a later event. I think my edit makes that clear. If 'in the meantime' were said instead, it might appear to look like she is being asked to save her power now, while she has a chance to do so, which is not the intended meaning.

• 2041
  • If the demoness’ unsettling grin is any indication, destroying things is as stimulating for her as it is for me. I suppose that is the curse of our kind. I could only wonder what was the First Gods’ intention when creating such flawed stewards to watch over their precious creation.
  • If the demoness’ unsettling grin is any indication, destroying things is as stimulating for her as it is for me. I suppose that is the curse of our kind. I could only wonder of the First Gods’ intentions when creating such flawed stewards to watch over their precious creation.
    • 8680:
      • I can only wonder what the First Gods’ intentions were when creating such flawed stewards to watch over their precious creation.
      • I can only wonder what the First Gods were thinking when they created such flawed stewards to watch over their precious creation.
        • 8680: Or, to eliminate the repetition of creat*:
          • I can only wonder what the First Gods were thinking when they entrusted their precious creation to such flawed stewards.

Rejected edits

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 155
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
    • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon failed to persuade shadowm.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 442
  • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
  • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
    • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
    • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. shadowm?
      • shadowm says that is the intended meaning.

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
    • 8680: FI

episode3/scenarios/08C_Breakdown.cfg

• 2028
  • I haven’t done this in a while.
  • I haven’t done this in awhile.
    • 8680: No: <https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/awhile>.