User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Rejected edits

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
    • 8680: FI

Edits to be committed

episode3/menu.cfg

• 15
  • At the end of the day, darkness might claim our homes and lives and trap the world underneath its impenetrable veil. But the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
  • Though at the end of the day darkness may claim our homes and lives and trap the world beneath its impenetrable veil, the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines forth as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.

episode3/scenarios/03_Amidst_the_Ruins_of_Glamdrol.cfg

• 566
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men at the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured; and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men in the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured, and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.

episode3/scenarios/04_02_Gateway.cfg

• 279
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will sure head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will surely head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.

episode3/scenarios/05_Pass_of_Sorrows.cfg

• 718
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger around in this form, dwelling beneath the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger in this form, dwelling in the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.

episode3/scenarios/06_Divergence.cfg

• 303
  • I got the impression that she simply has been through a lot of things in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
  • I got the impression that she has simply been through much in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather, Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
    • vultraz: first part is a FI. Don't miss the comma added before 'Urvatha'

episode3/scenarios/07A_Dark_Fire_part_1.cfg

• 868
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters making them wait more than it’s absolutely necessary?
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters by making them wait more than is absolutely necessary?

• 873
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain or convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain and convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.

• 1677
  • On the Day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
  • On the day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
    • vultraz: 'day' is not capitalized in the succeeding 3 lines, so I assume it should not here as well. Also, the use of 'New Guardian[s]' twice seems redundant. Maybe something like '[] her rightful place amongst the Lords of the Second Cycle'? OSL will have to decide, though,

episode3/scenarios/11_After_the_Storm.cfg

• 441
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped out from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life in Ethea.
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life on Ethea.

• 662
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart before. We should have done this together like you wanted.
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart. We should have done this together like you wanted.

episode3/scenarios/12_Destiny_part_3.cfg

• 741
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part on Ergea’s plans anymore.
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part in Ergea’s plans anymore.

Edits to be reviewed

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 155
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
    • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon is unreliable.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 442
  • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
  • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
    • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
    • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. OSL?

• 672
  • I won’t be able to slay the traitors with my own hands... Avenge me, brethren! May this be the last day the traitors live to see the light of Naia and Sela!
  • Though our enemies will not die by my hand, my brethren will avenge me! May this be the last day the traitors live to see the light of Naia and Sela!
    • 8680: This would alter semantics: the first is asking the brethren to avenge, whereas the second is stating that they will. Also, the second sounds much more resolute, whereas the first sounds a bit whingy. OSL?

episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg

• 499
  • Let’s purge this plague out of the country!
  • Let's purge Irdya of this plague!
    • 8680: Maybe one of these?
      • Let's purge this blight from Irdya!
      • Let's rid Irdya of this blight!
    • vultraz: I prefer my edit
    • 8680: "plague" is a bit awkward, "blight" is more usual. OSL?
  • Let us purge Irdya of this blight!