User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be committed

episode1/scenarios/02_High_Pass.cfg

• 334
  • Ahhh, the traitors! You are not going to see the sunlight anymore, for I shall feed your impious souls to Yechnagoth!
  • Ahhh, the traitors! Never again will you see the sunlight, for I shall feed your impious souls to Yechnagoth!
    • 8680: FI

• 348
  • You, Galas! You abandoned us in the valley! You let all of us die!
  • You, Galas! You abandoned us in the valley! You left us all to die!

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 598
  • Who is it that helps the human sub-people to defend their town against the true rulers of the forest?
  • Who is it that helps the human sub-people defend their town against the true rulers of the forest?

• 618
  • There must be a way to solve this problem without resorting to fighting. In these grim times, with war already raging in the outer lands, the last thing we need is to bring it into our civilization as well. It will be our definitive doom. The traitors must be judged by elvish law, not by chaos and death.
  • There must be a way to solve this problem without resorting to fighting. In these grim times, with war already raging in the outer lands, the last thing we need is conflict between ourselves as well. It will be our definitive doom. The traitors must be judged by elvish law, not by chaos and death.

• 862
  • We have good reasons to think that the Chaos Empire sent forth their mercenaries for the purpose of causing this revolt and send us all to our doom. But we are not letting that happen, at least not today.
  • We have good reasons to think that the Chaos Empire sent forth their mercenaries for the purpose of causing this revolt and sending us all to our doom. But we are not letting that happen, at least not today.

episode1/scenarios/05_Bay_of_Tirigaz.cfg

• 604
  • We care little about your stupid conflicts in the eastern borders. You broke our treaty by trespassing our frontiers, and now you ask from us the very lands you just stole by force. After raiding the southern fortress, no less! Do you really believe we are going to be lenient about this matter now?
  • We care little about your stupid conflicts on the eastern borders. You broke our treaty by trespassing our frontiers, and now you ask from us the very lands you just stole by force. After raiding the southern fortress, no less! Do you really believe we are going to be lenient about this matter now?

• 739
  • Hmm... It’s something I’m not allowed to share with anyone but lord Tan-Vatar and his trusted commanders.
  • Hmm... It’s something I’m not allowed to share with anyone but Lord Tan-Vatar and his trusted commanders.
    • vultraz: should not Lord be capitalized here?

episode1/scenarios/07x_Resolutions.cfg

• 131
  • It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures in the continent again?
  • It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures of the continent again?

episode1/scenarios/08_Fear.cfg

• 288
  • It’s time to fight our way through this place then.
  • We'll have to fight our way through this place, then.

• 319
  • Let’s try to get out of this land as quickly as we can.
  • Let’s try to depart land as quickly as possible.
    • 8680: FI

episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_1.cfg

• 416
  • We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master really wanted to see your faces
  • We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master greatly wanted to see your faces
    • 8680: FI

• 464
  • long after I gave up on my search!
  • long after I gave up my search!
    • 8680: FI

episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_2.cfg

• 264
  • But, which direction should we go?
  • But which direction should we go?

episode1/scenarios/10_Tears.cfg

• 280
  • Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle in their headquarters in that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?
  • Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle in their headquarters on that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?

episode2/scenarios/01_By_the_Moonlight.cfg

• 536
  • I suppose I won’t be able to get any help from these people now that they are leaderless.
  • I suppose I will receive no help from these people now that they are leaderless.
    • 8680: FI

• 416
  • Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us, for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed in the meanwhile are worrying.
  • Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us, for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed since then are worrying.

episode2/scenarios/03_02_Revelations.cfg

• 222
  • The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they might be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.
  • The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they may be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.

• 237
  • It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We don’t have many men to spare right now, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them and hopefully find out who is this mysterious impersonator.
  • [Less formal] It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We currently don’t have many men to spare, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them, and hopefully find out who this mysterious impersonator is.
  • [More formal] It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We currently don’t have many men to spare, so it has been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them, and hopefully discover the identity of this mysterious impersonator.

• 271
  • That’s a fair deal, although I would like to know first what’s in there that makes it such a great priority for you over your reputation and your people.
  • That’s a fair deal, although I would first like to know what this journal contains that makes it such a great priority for you, over your reputation and people.

episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg

• 441
  • So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past in this world as well.
  • So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past on this world as well.
    • "on" emphasizes that Urvatha is a different planet.
    • "in" emphasizes that Urvatha is in a different "branch".
    • 8680: ^ vultraz, nota bene.

• 840
  • There might be something in there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her.
  • There may be something there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her.

• 865
  • We aren’t the only group that has stood up against her rule, but we are one of the few that has survived to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power didn’t fall into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
  • We aren’t the only group that has stood against her rule, but we are one of the few to survive to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power hadn't fallen into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
    • 8680: First two changes are FIs.

• 880
  • What she expects to find in Ethea might be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.
  • What she expects to find on Ethea may be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.

• 885
  • I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else in Irdya, or in another world?
  • I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else on Irdya, or on another world?

• 899
  • The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once again, and then we’ll make sure it won’t be used ever again.
  • The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once more, and then we’ll make sure it won’t ever be used again.

• 933
  • I would like to keep our pact as a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems to be a fair chance it could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Nobody should tell anyone else about this.
  • I would like to keep our pact a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems a fair chance they could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Let none speak of this.

episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front.cfg

• 261
  • "Not just that, but they’ve also got support from the metallic creatures working for Uria!"
  • "Not just that, but they also have support from the metallic creatures of Uria!"

episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front_cutscene.cfg

• 207
  • But... I don’t know anything about the valley’s location other than the fact that it’s in the middle of the desert, and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!
  • But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in such an environment could be disastrous!

• 212
  • The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions in the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be in her base.
  • The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions on the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be at her base.

• 217
  • You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of the present people. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate into the Chaos Empire once — I’m sure you can do this again.
  • You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of us present. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate the Heart. I’m sure you will be successful in this task.

episode2/scenarios/06_The_Voyage_Home.cfg

• 216
  • Secure the orcish settlement in the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders
  • Secure the orcish settlement to the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders

• 259
  • The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead in the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.
  • The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead to the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.

• 343
  • I banish you from this world so you can have your deserved rest!
  • I banish you from this world! Go now to your deserved rest!

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
    • 8680: FI

episode2/scenarios/09_New_Hive.cfg

• 286
  • A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns at day at first, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs during the night.
  • A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and at first the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns during the day, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs at night.

episode2/scenarios/10_The_Betrayal.cfg

• 556
  • I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away this time!
  • I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away!
    • vultraz: This is the third time in four dialog lines the phrase 'this time' is used. I think the previous two can stay, since they both are said by Ivyel, and she might have some slightly robotic speech patterns. However, for Elynia (who speaks this line), I believe 'this time' can be removed to reduce redundancy.

• 605
  • You and your accursed allies have conspired against our people and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.
  • You and your accursed allies have conspired against us and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.

• 873
  • I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling from so far away, slaughtering the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!
  • I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling so far, only to slaughter the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!

episode2/scenarios/11_A_Final_Controntation.cfg

• 1319
  • There’s no use in attacking those structures, and the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!
  • There’s no use in attacking those structures — the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!

episode3/menu.cfg

• 15
  • At the end of the day, darkness might claim our homes and lives and trap the world underneath its impenetrable veil. But the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
  • Though at the end of the day darkness may claim our homes and lives and trap the world beneath its impenetrable veil, the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines forth as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.

episode3/scenarios/03_Amidst_the_Ruins_of_Glamdrol.cfg

• 566
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men at the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured; and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.
  • I shudder to wonder exactly how this information was obtained. I know from experience that the men in the service of the Empire are either completely ignorant of their superiors’ plans, or trained to commit suicide before being captured, and the sorcerers and demons are too powerful to contain.

episode3/scenarios/04_02_Gateway.cfg

• 279
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will sure head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.
  • Well, returning home is out of the question for me with Tirigaz gone. Those vermin will surely head back here as soon as they hear of our victory, presumably led by that hideous demon midget... Right now, there’d be nothing more satisfying for me than breaking his stumpy neck and wearing his hollow skull as a helmet.

episode3/scenarios/05_Pass_of_Sorrows.cfg

• 718
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger around in this form, dwelling beneath the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.
  • The enraged Goddess of Life cursed us to linger in this form, dwelling in the caves beneath the earth; the light of the suns, once revered by our people, had become a scorching enemy by day. Our fire magic was quickly displaced by shadow magic as we could not withstand the heat of our flames anymore. We became the embodiment of corruption, a mockery of the living beings we once were.

episode3/scenarios/06_Divergence.cfg

• 303
  • I got the impression that she simply has been through a lot of things in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
  • I got the impression that she has simply been through much in her life, and surely it’s not her fault. From what I gather, Urvatha, the world we usually call Inferno... it is decidedly not the best place to live — Demon Lords competing for succession and killing each other all the time, oppressing and enslaving their subjects, and Uria coercing them into doing her bidding by abusing the ancient powers she was granted by destiny...
    • vultraz: first part is a FI. Don't miss the comma added before 'Urvatha'

episode3/scenarios/07A_Dark_Fire_part_1.cfg

• 868
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters making them wait more than it’s absolutely necessary?
  • Time is of the essence. Do you really wish to anger your masters by making them wait more than is absolutely necessary?

• 873
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain or convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.
  • Look, wench, our masters can go to hell for all I care. You can either deliver your message to the captain and convince him to let you pass, or just forget about your damn message. Unless you would prefer to entertain us for a while in exchange, heh heh.

• 1677
  • On the Day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
  • On the day of the Longest Night, the New Guardian of Darkness shall rise from beyond to claim her rightful place amongst the New Guardians
    • vultraz: 'day' is not capitalized in the succeeding 3 lines, so I assume it should not here as well. Also, the use of 'New Guardian[s]' twice seems redundant. Maybe something like '[] her rightful place amongst the Lords of the Second Cycle'? OSL will have to decide, though,

episode3/scenarios/11_After_the_Storm.cfg

• 441
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped out from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life in Ethea.
  • There are many other worlds like ours which will be similarly wiped from existence if Uria gets hold of the Body of the Union and the Seed of Life on Ethea.

• 662
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart before. We should have done this together like you wanted.
  • I am sorry for not realizing any of this before. I should have let you reach into my heart. We should have done this together like you wanted.

episode3/scenarios/12_Destiny_part_3.cfg

• 741
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part on Ergea’s plans anymore.
  • No matter how much I want, Irdya will never be my true home. I’ve always been an outcast. I don’t belong with either species. And I don’t want to take part in Ergea’s plans anymore.

Edits to be reviewed

episode1/storytxt.cfg

• 155
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
  • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
    • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon is unreliable.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

• 442
  • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
  • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
    • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
    • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. OSL?

• 672
  • I won’t be able to slay the traitors with my own hands... Avenge me, brethren! May this be the last day the traitors live to see the light of Naia and Sela!
  • Though our enemies will not die by my hand, my brethren will avenge me! May this be the last day the traitors live to see the light of Naia and Sela!
    • 8680: This would alter semantics: the first is asking the brethren to avenge, whereas the second is stating that they will. Also, the second sounds much more resolute, whereas the first sounds a bit whingy. OSL?

episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg

• 499
  • Let’s purge this plague out of the country!
  • Let's purge Irdya of this plague!
    • 8680: Maybe one of these?
      • Let's purge this blight from Irdya!
      • Let's rid Irdya of this blight!
    • vultraz: I prefer my edit
    • 8680: "plague" is a bit awkward, "blight" is more usual. OSL?
  • Let us purge Irdya of this blight!