User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

• Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be committed

episode1/scenarios/05_Bay_of_Tirigaz.cfg

• 604
  • We care little about your stupid conflicts in the eastern borders. You broke our treaty by trespassing our frontiers, and now you ask from us the very lands you just stole by force. After raiding the southern fortress, no less! Do you really believe we are going to be lenient about this matter now?
  • We care little about your stupid conflicts on the eastern borders. You broke our treaty by trespassing our frontiers, and now you ask from us the very lands you just stole by force. After raiding the southern fortress, no less! Do you really believe we are going to be lenient about this matter now?

• 739
  • Hmm... It’s something I’m not allowed to share with anyone but lord Tan-Vatar and his trusted commanders.
  • Hmm... It’s something I’m not allowed to share with anyone but Lord Tan-Vatar and his trusted commanders.
    • vultraz: should not Lord be capitalized here?

episode1/scenarios/07x_Resolutions.cfg

• 131
  • It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures in the continent again?
  • It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures of the continent again?

episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_1.cfg

• 416
  • We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master really wanted to see your faces
  • We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master greatly wanted to see your faces

• 464
  • long after I gave up on my search!
  • long after I gave up my search!

episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_2.cfg

• 264
  • But, which direction should we go?
  • But which direction should we go?

episode1/scenarios/10_Tears.cfg

• 280
  • Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle in their headquarters in that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?
  • Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle on their headquarters in that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?

episode2/scenarios/01_By_the_Moonlight.cfg

• 536
  • I suppose I won’t be able to get any help from these people now that they are leaderless.
  • I suppose I will receive no help from these people now that they are leaderless.

episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg

• 441
  • So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past in this world as well.
  • So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past on this world as well.
    • "on" emphasizes that Urvatha is a different planet.
    • "in" emphasizes that Urvatha is in a different "branch".
    • 8680: ^ vultraz, nota bene.

• 840
  • There might be something in there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her."
  • There may be something there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her."
    • "there" = Ethea.

• 880
  • What she expects to find in Ethea might be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.
  • What she expects to find on Ethea may be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.

• 885
  • I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else in Irdya, or in another world?
  • I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else on Irdya, or on another world?

• 899
  • The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once again, and then we’ll make sure it won’t be used ever again.
  • The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once more, and then we’ll make sure it won’t ever be used again.

episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front.cfg

• 261
  • "Not just that, but they’ve also got support from the metallic creatures working for Uria!"
  • "Not just that, but they also have support from the metallic creatures of Uria!"

episode3/menu.cfg

• 15
  • At the end of the day, darkness might claim our homes and lives and trap the world underneath its impenetrable veil. But the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
  • Though at the end of the day darkness may claim our homes and lives and trap the world beneath its impenetrable veil, the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines forth as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.

Edits to be reviewed

episode2/scenarios/01_By_the_Moonlight.cfg

• 416
  • Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us, for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed in the meanwhile are worrying.
  • Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed in the meantime are worrying.
    • vultraz: don't miss the comma removed between 'us' an 'for'
    • 8680: Maybe "The rumors of the power he has amassed since then are worrying."?

episode2/scenarios/03_02_Revalations.cfg

• 222
  • The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they might be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.
  • The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they may be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.
    • 8680: concur.

• 237
  • It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We don’t have many men to spare right now, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them and hopefully find out who is this mysterious impersonator.
  • It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We currently don’t have many men to spare, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them and hopefully find out who this mysterious impersonator is.
    • 8680: I concur, but maybe "and hopefully discover the identity of this mysterious impersonator" would be better (more formal)?

• 271
  • That’s a fair deal, although I would like to know first what’s in there that makes it such a great priority for you over your reputation and your people.
  • That’s a fair deal, although I would first like to know what this journal contains that makes it such a great priority for you over your reputation and people.
    • 8680: Add comma: "such a great priority for you, over your reputation and people"? Otherwise I concur.

episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg

• 499
  • Let’s purge this plague out of the country!
  • Let's purge Irdya of this plague!
    • 8680: Maybe one of these?
      • Let's purge this blight from Irdya!
      • Let's rid Irdya of this blight!
    • vultraz: I prefer my edit
    • 8680: "plague" is a bit awkward, "blight" is more usual. Ask OSL when he's available.

• 865
  • We aren’t the only group that has stood up against her rule, but we are one of the few that has survived to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power didn’t fall into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
  • We aren’t the only group who has stood up against her rule, but we are one of the few to survive to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power hadn't fallen into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
    • 8680: Re "that" -> "who": no, "that" is correct.
    • 8680: RFC: In "stood up against her rule", I think either "up" or "rule" should be dropped.
    • 8680: Otherwise I concur.
  • "We aren’t the only group that has stood against her rule, but we are one of the few to survive to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power hadn't fallen into her hands following your short incursion into her territory." ?
    • 8680: concur.

• 933
  • I would like to keep our pact as a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems to be a fair chance it could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Nobody should tell anyone else about this.
  • I would like to keep our pact a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems a fair chance it could fail and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. No one should speak of this.
    • 8680: Re drop "as": concur.
    • 8680: Re "fall" -> "fail": I think the meaning is that the Council could be captured and interrogated.
      • Confirmed by OSL.
    • 8680: Re last sentence: concur.
      • Or maybe "Let none speak of this."
    • OSL: Maybe change "it could fall" to "they could fall".
  • 8680: "I would like to keep our pact a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems a fair chance they could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Let none speak of this."?
    • vultraz: concur

episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front_cutscene.cfg

• 182
  • Their base of operations is said to be located in Telchior’s Hold in the Valley of Elynia — the very place whence we fled under Galas’ command following the Chaos invasion. Something really wrong must have occurred in there after our departure. As I recall, the last time we met you mentioned that Lord Lédinor was infested by Uria.
  • Their base of operations is said to be located in Telchior’s Hold in the Valley of Elynia — the very place whence we fled under Galas’s command following the Chaos invasion. Something deeply wrong must have occurred there after our departure. As I recall, the last time we met you mentioned that Lord Lédinor was possessed by Uria.
    • 8680: I concur with all changes, but OSL seemed to not want to involve himself in the *s’s? debate.

• 207
  • But... I don’t know anything about the valley’s location other than the fact that it’s in the middle of the desert, and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!
  • But... I know nothing of the valley’s location other than the fact that it’s in the middle of the desert, and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!
    • 8680: "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!"?
    • vultraz: "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in such a place could be disastrous!"?
    • 8680: Concur. Or maybe:
      • "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in such an environment could be disastrous!"?
      • "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in such terrain could be disastrous!"?

• 212
  • The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions in the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be in her base.
  • The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions on the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be at her base.
    • 8680: concur.

• 217
  • You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of the present people. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate into the Chaos Empire once — I’m sure you can do this again.
  • You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of us present. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate the Heart. I’m sure you will be successful in this task.
    • 8680: concur.

episode2/scenarios/06_The_Voyage_Home.cfg

• 216
  • Secure the orcish settlement in the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders
  • Secure the orcish settlement to the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders
    • 8680: concur.

• 259
  • The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead in the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.
  • The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead to the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.
    • 8680: concur.

• 343
  • I banish you from this world so you can have your deserved rest!
  • I banish you from this world so that you may have your deserved rest!
    • 8680: If this is someone explaining why they're banishing some undead, I'd drop "that".
    • 8680: If this is someone simply declaring that they are banishing some undead (e.g. in the latter's die event), maybe:
      • "I banish you from this world! Go now to your deserved rest!"?

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

• 342
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
  • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accepted her offer and joined her cause.
    • 8680: "accepted her offer and joined her cause" -> "accept her offer and join her cause"?
    • 8680: Otherwise I concur.

episode2/scenarios/09_New_Hive.cfg

• 286
  • A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns at day at first, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs during the night.
  • A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and at first the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns during the day, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs at night.
    • 8680: concur.

episode2/scenrios/10_The_Betrayal.cfg

• 556
  • I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away this time!
  • I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away!
    • vultraz: This is the third time in four dialog lines the phrase 'this time' is used. I think the previous two can stay, since they both are said by Ivyel, and she might have some slightly robotic speech patterns. However, for Elynia (who speaks this line), I believe 'this time' can be removed to reduce redundancy.
    • 8680: approved.

• 605
  • You and your accursed allies have conspired against our people and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.
  • You and your accursed allies have conspired against us and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.
    • vultraz: 'Us is the best replacement I can think of for the redundant use of 'people[s]. If 8060 can think of a better word, please comment.
    • 8680: speaker?

• 873
  • I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling from so far away, slaughtering the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!
  • I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling so far, only to slaughter the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!
    • 8680: concur.

episode2/scenarios/11_A_Final_Controntation.cfg

• 1319
  • There’s no use in attacking those structures, and the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!
  • There’s no use in attacking those structures - the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!
    • vultraz: I think she's supposed to be saying that as the reason why not to attack the spires
    • 8680: concur, with "-" -> "—".