Difference between revisions of "User:Shadowm/AtSProseCorrection"

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Formatting:
 
Formatting:
* Please '''<nowiki>'''bold'''</nowiki>''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite.
+
* Please <s>'''<nowiki>'''bold'''</nowiki>''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite</s> MARK ALL CHANGES.
  
 
For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).
 
For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).
 +
 +
FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.
  
 
And remember:
 
And remember:
<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
+
<div style="margin: .5em 2em 3em; padding: .5em 2em; background-color: gold; color: gold; text-shadow: 1px 1px hsla(0,0%,0%,.5)">
<_8680_> Of course.
+
<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.<br/>
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.
+
<_8680_> Of course.<br/>
 
+
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.<br/>
 +
</div>
  
 
== Edits to be committed ==
 
== Edits to be committed ==
 
=== episode1/scenarios/07x_Resolutions.cfg ===
 
 
* 131
 
** It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures in the continent again?
 
** It is certainly unfortunate that you couldn’t find a solution to this problem. Everything seems peaceful and good from our current location, but if Uria’s minions win the war and take over the continent, it will be a matter of time until they come back to claim this island. What if Yechnagoth is able to control the surface creatures '''of''' the continent again?
 
 
=== episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_1.cfg ===
 
 
* 416
 
** We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master really wanted to see your faces
 
** We would have killed you on sight, rats, but our master '''greatly''' wanted to see your faces
 
 
* 464
 
** long after I gave up on my search!
 
** long after I gave up my search!
 
 
=== episode1/scenarios/09_The_Triad_part_2.cfg ===
 
 
* 264
 
** But, which direction should we go?
 
** But which direction should we go?
 
 
=== episode1/scenarios/10_Tears.cfg ===
 
 
* 280
 
** Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle in their headquarters in that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?
 
** Has it even occurred to you that our little struggle '''on''' their headquarters in that accursed peninsula has put their forces in motion again to protect what little remains of Yechnagoth?
 
 
=== episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg ===
 
 
* 441
 
** So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past in this world as well.
 
** So be it, then. I was hoping to achieve something with a more civilized approach, but I guess diplomacy has become a thing of the past <b>on</b> this world as well.
 
*** "on" emphasizes that Urvatha is a different planet.
 
*** "in" emphasizes that Urvatha is in a different "branch".
 
*** 8680: ^ vultraz, nota bene.
 
 
* 840
 
** There might be something in there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her."
 
** There may be something there which she could use against the few remaining demon gods who may oppose her."
 
*** "there" = Ethea.
 
 
* 880
 
** What she expects to find in Ethea might be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.
 
** What she expects to find '''on''' Ethea may be another artifact that could enable her to wield the Union.
 
 
* 885
 
** I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else in Irdya, or in another world?
 
** I’m not convinced destroying the Ruby is the correct option. What if there’s an equivalent somewhere else <b>on</b> Irdya, or <b>on</b> another world?
 
 
* 899
 
** The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once again, and then we’ll make sure it won’t be used ever again.
 
** The elves... the people whom I swore to protect eons ago need me at this very moment. Let me use the power of the Ruby once '''more''', and then we’ll make sure it won’t ever be used again.
 
 
=== episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front.cfg ===
 
 
* 261
 
** "Not just that, but they’ve also got support from the metallic creatures working for Uria!"
 
** "Not just that, but they also have support from the metallic creatures of Uria!"
 
 
=== episode3/menu.cfg ===
 
 
* 15
 
** At the end of the day, darkness might claim our homes and lives and trap the world underneath its impenetrable veil. But the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
 
** Though at the end of the day darkness may claim our homes and lives and trap the world beneath its impenetrable veil, the night is not eternal, and even amidst chaos, hope shines forth as a beacon which can help us vanquish our worst fears and reunite us with our destiny.
 
  
 
== Edits to be reviewed ==
 
== Edits to be reviewed ==
  
=== episode2/scenarios/01_By_the_Moonlight.cfg ===
+
=== episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War ===
 +
* 847
 +
** "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"
 +
** "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part '''of''' a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"
  
* 416
+
=== episode1/storytxt.cfg ===
** Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us, for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed in the meanwhile are worrying.
+
* 300
** Can you help us? I know our leader appears to be particularly resentful of you for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, but it’s said that the evil Daent has returned from the land of the dead to get his revenge upon us for banishing him from the village. The rumors of the power he has amassed in the <b>meantime</b> are worrying.
+
** Because it was my reluctance '''what''' ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.
*** vultraz: don't miss the comma removed between <i>'us'</i> an <i>'for'</i>
+
** Because it was my reluctance '''that''' ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.
  
* 536
+
=== episode3/storytxt.cfg ===
** I suppose I won’t be able to get any help from these people now that they are leaderless.
+
* 104
** I suppose I will receive no help from these people now that they are leaderless.
+
** When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely '''were''' we are going now.
 +
** When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely '''where''' we are going now.
  
=== episode2/scenarios/03_02_Revalations.cfg ===
+
== Rejected edits ==
  
* 222
+
=== episode1/storytxt.cfg ===
** The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they might be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.
 
** The elves are fighting amongst themselves once again on the eastern border of our country, but one of the factions is clearly at an advantage thanks to their alliance with the Empire. We suspect they <b>may</b>> be planning to invade us next, taking advantage of the tight situation on the southern borders.
 
  
* 237
+
* 155
** It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We don’t have many men to spare right now, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them and hopefully find out who is this mysterious impersonator.
+
** Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
** It’s of utmost importance that the situation in the east is cleared up. The friendly elvish faction has asked us for aid, but as it is now we are unable to gather the complete Council to come to an agreement. We currently don’t have many men to spare, so it’s been suggested that you could lead a militia in order to assist them and hopefully find out who this mysterious impersonator is.
+
** Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by <b>Galas’s</b> kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
 +
*** vultraz: Espreon says <i>Galas's</i> is indeed correct
 +
*** 8680: Moved back here because Espreon failed to persuade shadowm.
  
* 271
+
=== episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg ===
** That’s a fair deal, although I would like to know first what’s in there that makes it such a great priority for you over your reputation and your people.
 
** That’s a fair deal, although I would first like to know what this journal contains that makes it such a great priority for you over your reputation and people.
 
  
=== episode2/scenarios/04_Shifting_Allegiances.cfg ===
+
* 442
 
+
** Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
* 499
+
** Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
** Let’s purge this plague out of the country!
+
*** vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
** Let's purge Irdya of this plague!
+
*** 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking ''whether'' they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than ''why''. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. shadowm?
*** 8680: Maybe one of these?
+
**** shadowm says that is the intended meaning.
**** Let's purge this blight from Irdya!
 
**** Let's rid Irdya of this blight!
 
*** vultraz: I prefer my edit
 
 
 
* 865
 
** We aren’t the only group that has stood up against her rule, but we are one of the few that has survived to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power didn’t fall into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
 
** We aren’t the only group who has stood up against her rule, but we are one of the few to survive to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power hadn't fallen into her hands following your short incursion into her territory.
 
*** 8680: Re "that" -> "who": no, "that" is correct.
 
*** 8680: RFC: In "stood up against her rule", I think either "up" or "rule" should be dropped.
 
*** 8680: Otherwise I concur.
 
** "We aren’t the only group that has stood against her rule, but we are one of the few to survive to this day. We’ve seen her real power, and only the wielder of the Union could possibly stand a chance against her — if only that power hadn't fallen into her hands following your short incursion into her territory." ?
 
 
 
* 933
 
** I would like to keep our pact as a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems to be a fair chance it could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Nobody should tell anyone else about this.
 
** I would like to keep our pact a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems a fair chance it could <b>fail</b> and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. No one should speak of this.
 
*** 8680: Re drop "as": concur.
 
*** 8680: Re "fall" -> "fail": I think the meaning is that the Council could be captured and interrogated.
 
**** Confirmed by OSL.
 
*** 8680: Re last sentence: concur.
 
**** Or maybe "Let none speak of this."
 
*** OSL: Maybe change "it could fall" to "they could fall".
 
** 8680: "I would like to keep our pact a secret between us. Even if the Grand Council understood, there seems a fair chance they could fall and provide Uria’s henchmen with information about our plans. Let none speak of this."?
 
*** vultraz: concur
 
 
 
=== episode2/scenarios/05_The_Eastern_Front_cutscene.cfg ===
 
 
 
* 182
 
** Their base of operations is said to be located in Telchior’s Hold in the Valley of Elynia — the very place whence we fled under Galas’ command following the Chaos invasion. Something really wrong must have occurred in there after our departure. As I recall, the last time we met you mentioned that Lord Lédinor was infested by Uria.
 
** Their base of operations is said to be located in Telchior’s Hold in the Valley of Elynia — the very place whence we fled under Galas’s command following the Chaos invasion. Something deeply wrong must have occurred there after our departure. As I recall, the last time we met you mentioned that Lord Lédinor was possessed by Uria.
 
*** 8680: I concur with all changes, but OSL seemed to not want to involve himself in the *s’s? debate.
 
 
 
* 207
 
** But... I don’t know anything about the valley’s location other than the fact that it’s in the middle of the desert, and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!
 
** But... I know nothing of the valley’s location other than the fact that it’s in the middle of the desert, and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!
 
*** 8680: "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in a desert could be disastrous!"?
 
*** vultraz: "But I know nothing of the valley’s location other than that it lies in the middle of the desert — and fighting in such a place could be disastrous!"?
 
 
 
* 212
 
** The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions in the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be in her base.
 
** The impersonator is a coward and she isn’t going to lead her minions <b>on</b> the front line. If anything can be done about her, it’ll have to be <b>at</b> her base.
 
 
 
* 217
 
** You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of the present people. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate into the Chaos Empire once — I’m sure you can do this again.
 
** You are a powerful warrior and you have more experience in these matters than any of us present. You helped Galas and Mal Keshar infiltrate the Heart. I’m sure you will be successful in this task.
 
 
 
=== episode2/scenarios/06_The_Voyage_Home.cfg ===
 
 
 
* 216
 
** Secure the orcish settlement in the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders
 
** Secure the orcish settlement <b>to</b> the southeast by defeating all enemy leaders
 
 
 
* 259
 
** The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead in the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.
 
** The scouts reported the presence of orcs bearing the Chaos banner in a settlement ahead <b>to</b> the southeast, in the Gralseth region. Stopping to rest here would be very risky with those fools around, but perhaps we could secure their settlement and replenish our supplies.
 
 
 
* 343
 
** I banish you from this world so you can have your deserved rest!
 
** I banish you from this world so that you may have your deserved rest!
 
  
 
=== episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg ===
 
=== episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg ===
Line 186: Line 67:
 
* 342
 
* 342
 
** My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
 
** My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
** My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accepted her offer and joined her cause.
+
** My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
 
+
*** 8680: FI
=== episode2/scenarios/09_New_Hive.cfg ===
 
 
 
* 286
 
** A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns at day at first, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs during the night.
 
** A Shaxthal hive, apparently built in the valley’s underground fortress. According to Unarye, the valley was only slightly habitable in the beginning, and at first the elves had to seek refuge in the natural caverns during the day, while they worked to adapt the surface land to their needs at night.
 
 
 
=== episode2/scenrios/10_The_Betrayal.cfg ===
 
 
 
* 556
 
** I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away this time!
 
** I have had enough of this — surround her and strike her down! Do not let her get away!
 
*** vultraz: This is the third time in four dialog lines the phrase <i>'this time'</i> is used. I think the previous two can stay, since they both are said by Ivyel, and she might have some slightly robotic speech patterns. However, for Elynia, I believe <i>'this time'</i> can be removed to reduce redundancy.
 
 
 
* 605
 
** You and your accursed allies have conspired against our people and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.
 
** You and your accursed allies have conspired against <b>us</b> and the Grand Council of the Northern Peoples, creating strife and destruction amongst them. Whoever you are, your evil deeds do not make you worthy of my mercy anymore. You no longer deserve a place amongst our kind.
 
*** vultraz: <i>'Us</i> is the best replacement I can think of for the redundant use of <i>'people[s]</i>. If 8060 can think of a better word, please comment.
 
 
 
* 873
 
** I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling from so far away, slaughtering the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!
 
** I understand that you must be confused and angry after losing your friends to such a pointless cause and traveling so far, slaughtering the same people whom you vowed to protect eons ago!
 
 
 
=== episode2/scenarios/11_A_Final_Controntation.cfg ===
 
 
 
* 1319
 
** There’s no use in attacking those structures, and the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!
 
** There’s no use in attacking those structure - the energy they release in retaliation could kill us all!
 
*** vultraz: I think she's supposed to be saying that as the reason why not to attack the spires
 

Latest revision as of 06:23, 27 February 2018

Format:

=== path ===
* line number
** original
** initial correction
*** comments
*** Name: Comment.
** edit version 2
*** Name: Comment.
** ...
** final edit

Formatting:

  • Please '''bold''' changed words, unless the changes amount to a rewrite MARK ALL CHANGES.

For edits under review, append new comments and edit versions to the end of the block. Please do not overwrite or delete anything until the edit is finalized. When an edit is finalized, move it to the "Edits to be committed" section and delete all intermediate versions (all except the original and final).

FI stands for Formality Increase. Edits I've marked as FIs are only increasing formality and/or decreasing/removing elements that may cause the dialog to sound too modern.

And remember:

<shadowm> And please try to be orderly.
<_8680_> Of course.
<shadowm> e.g. If I see a correction for E2S4 followed by one for E1S8 and another for E2S2 I'll probably flip out.

Edits to be committed

Edits to be reviewed

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War

  • 847
    • "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"
    • "Did one of your kind kill the puny ‘lord’ of these rebels as part of a ruse to banish us from the forests, then?"

episode1/storytxt.cfg

  • 300
    • Because it was my reluctance what ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.
    • Because it was my reluctance that ultimately led to the young elf’s demise at the hands of the demoness.

episode3/storytxt.cfg

  • 104
    • When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely were we are going now.
    • When she last communicated with them, they were seeking a place to hide in the Falrore region, not too far northeast from Raelthyn. That’s most likely where we are going now.

Rejected edits

episode1/storytxt.cfg

  • 155
    • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’ kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
    • Their clothes, armor, and weapons seemed much more primitive compared to those used by Galas’s kinsmen. Apparently, much of our craft was forgotten by Quetor’el’s group and their descendants. As we approached the more populated areas, I noticed that even their building designs were much unlike those of their ancestors.
      • vultraz: Espreon says Galas's is indeed correct
      • 8680: Moved back here because Espreon failed to persuade shadowm.

episode1/scenarios/03_Civil_War.cfg

  • 442
    • Who are you? Why, do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have fallen already?!
    • Who are you? Why do you bring your unholy pawns to feed upon our remains when we have lost so much already?!
      • vultraz: saying they have already fallen seems like a totally legit excuse for undead to attack them, which is why I think saying they have lost so much sounds better
      • 8680: With the comma, the speaker could technically be asking whether they bring their unholy pawns to feed, rather than why. If that is not the intended meaning (and I assume it is not), then I concur. shadowm?
        • shadowm says that is the intended meaning.

episode2/scenarios/07_Promixus.cfg

  • 342
    • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force that’s ever graced us. We could avoid wasting so many lives all over the continent if everyone accepted her offer and joined her cause.
    • My master was a sadly misguided person — his destruction was well deserved. Uria’s power is the greatest force ever to grace us. So many lives could be saved throughout the continent if we all accept her offer and join her cause.
      • 8680: FI
This page was last edited on 27 February 2018, at 06:23.